It was blind vanity that did for me last week - not mine, of course, but that excuse for a friend, Suze. There I was, poised with my loppers held high, ready to sever a cankerous limb in the orchard, when I was shoved violently from behind by a dense, heavy load travelling at great speed. Left eye got shoved into end of loppers and unindentified load flattened and pinned me to the ground. Eye blew out like a balloon in a pulsating mess of agonising pain.

'Why weren't you wearing your glasses, you idiot?' I hissed as we pulled into Accident and Emergency, for the dense heavy load had turned out to be Suze, minus spectacles but plus half a stone due to a recent spate of comfort eating. It turned out some senile old roué at the Dog and Partridge had told her she looked sexier with her glasses off. Well, perhaps, if you like the scary staring eyed look.

Still, things started to look up in the hospital cubicle. A hunky young intern examined my eye, putting his face right up to mine so I could smell the toothpaste on his breath. Can't tell you what happened next or Suze will be jealous...

Feeling all frisky and frollicky lately - I just know my run of bad luck on the man front is about to change at last… The George Harrison lookalike in the pub told me that the only thing standing between me and the man of my dreams was my glasses - so I took them off immediately.

Couldn't stay at the pub to test the theory as I crashed into the rugby team's table (couldn't see the stupid thing) and got soaked in lager. Rugby team very upset at loss of lager; even more upset when I suggested they try my friend Mimi's anger management course. Beat a hasty retreat, and next day, decided to surprise Annie with my new sexier look…never saw the tree roots…

Still, after she'd stopped being hysterical and we were settled in Accident and Emergency, things seemed a lot cosier. Richard and Judy were having a phone-in on 'Are bosoms and bottoms getting bigger?', and - hurrah! - there was a chocolate machine. So I bought us two bars of fruit and nut each and a hot choccie to drink, and we settled down to watch. Annie seemed quite cheerful when she emerged from the cubicle. I don't know what that dishy doctor gave her, but she was all smiles again…